Boundaries can be difficult.
For some people, the problem is that their boundaries are too weak. They find it difficult to say no. They take responsibility for other people’s feelings. They feel guilty when they disappoint someone. They allow other people to decide what they should do, feel or believe.
For others, the problem is almost the opposite. Their boundaries have become walls. They keep people at a distance. They don’t trust. They don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable. They protect themselves so carefully that nobody can get close enough to hurt them — but nobody can get close enough to love them either.
Healthy boundaries lie somewhere between those two extremes.
They allow us to be ourselves in relationship with other people.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a recognition of what is mine and what is yours.
My thoughts are mine. My feelings are mine. My choices are mine. My responsibilities are mine.
Your thoughts are yours. Your feelings are yours. Your choices are yours. Your responsibilities are yours.
That sounds obvious. But relationships can make it surprisingly complicated.
We can become so concerned about what somebody else thinks or feels that we begin to take responsibility for things that aren’t actually ours.
We may think: “If she’s upset, I’ve done something wrong.” “If he doesn’t agree with me, I must be wrong.” “If I say no, they’ll be disappointed — so I have to say yes.” “It’s my job to make everybody happy.”
But it isn’t.
Boundaries aren’t about keeping people out
The word boundary can sound rather defensive. We might imagine a fence. A wall. A locked gate. Something designed to keep people away.
But healthy boundaries aren’t primarily about keeping people out. They’re about creating a place where a healthy relationship is possible.
A boundary can say: “This is who I am.” “This is what I am responsible for.” “This is what I am able to give.” “This is what I am not able to give.” “You are free to be you.” “And I am free to be me.”
That’s very different from: “You must behave the way I want you to behave.”
A boundary defines my responsibility. It doesn’t give me control over yours.
Why can boundaries be so difficult?
We learn how relationships work from our earliest experiences. Perhaps we grew up in a home where saying no wasn’t acceptable. Perhaps we were expected to keep the peace. Perhaps somebody else’s emotions dominated the family. Perhaps we were criticised whenever we disagreed.
Perhaps we learned that being loved meant being useful. Perhaps we were rewarded for being compliant. Perhaps we were punished for expressing our own needs. Perhaps nobody ever asked what we wanted.
And so we learned: “It’s safer to keep everybody happy.” Or: “My needs don’t matter.” Or: “I mustn’t upset anyone.” Or: “I have to look after myself because nobody else will.”
These beliefs can follow us into adult relationships.
When “yes” doesn’t really mean yes
One of the clearest signs that our boundaries may need attention is our inability to say no. We say yes when we mean no. We agree because we’re afraid of disappointing someone. We take on another responsibility because we don’t want to let somebody down.
We volunteer again. We stay late. We do something we don’t want to do.
And afterwards we feel resentful. Sometimes resentment is a clue. It may be telling us: “I agreed to something I didn’t really want to agree to.” That doesn’t mean every feeling of resentment proves that somebody has crossed our boundaries. But it is worth asking: “Why did I say yes?”
Boundaries and responsibility
Healthy boundaries don’t mean refusing to take responsibility; quite the opposite. They help us understand what we are responsible for.
I am responsible for my behaviour. I am responsible for my choices. I am responsible for the way I communicate. I am responsible for dealing honestly with my own feelings. I am responsible for asking for help when I need it.
But I am not responsible for controlling another person’s feelings.
I cannot make somebody happy. I cannot make somebody forgive me. I cannot make somebody agree with me. I cannot make somebody change, and I cannot live somebody else’s life for them.
Sometimes one of the most freeing things we can learn is: “That belongs to them, not me.”
Boundaries and control
There is an important difference between a boundary and a demand. A boundary says: “If this happens, I will…” A demand says: “You must not…”
For example:
“If you continue shouting at me, I will end this conversation, and we can talk when we’re both calmer.” That’s a boundary. It identifies what I will do.
By contrast, “You are not allowed to be angry with me.” is an attempt to control somebody else’s emotional response.
We can’t control other people. Healthy boundaries recognise that.
Boundaries and fear
Sometimes what looks like a boundary is actually fear. We might say: “I don’t need anybody.” “I don’t trust people.” “I won’t ever let anyone get that close again.” “I can manage perfectly well on my own.” Those statements may feel strong, but strength and self-protection aren’t necessarily the same thing.
Sometimes the strongest boundary is actually the ability to remain open while knowing when to say no.
I can love you without becoming responsible for you. I can trust you without surrendering discernment. I can be vulnerable without abandoning myself. I can say no without rejecting you.
That’s a very different kind of freedom.
Boundaries and trauma
This becomes particularly important when we’ve experienced trauma.
Trauma can teach us that the world isn’t safe. Sometimes we respond by having almost no boundaries; we may become excessively accommodating. We may tolerate things we shouldn’t. We may freeze rather than say no.
At other times, trauma can lead us to build enormous protective walls. We may withdraw. We may distrust everyone. We may interpret closeness as danger. We may become hyper-independent.
Neither response necessarily represents the healthy boundaries we actually need.
Healing can allow us to discover something in between: I can be safe and connected.
Boundaries and shame
Shame can make boundaries extremely difficult. If I believe: “I’m not important,” I may assume that my needs don’t matter.
If I believe: “I’m selfish,” I may feel guilty whenever I say no.
If I believe: “People will reject me if they really know me,” I may become whatever I think other people want me to be.
But having needs doesn’t make us selfish. Saying no doesn’t make us unloving. Disagreeing doesn’t make us rebellious, and being different doesn’t mean that something is wrong with us.
Sometimes healthy boundaries begin with a very simple realisation: “I matter too.”
Boundaries and forgiveness
We’ve just looked at Forgiveness.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean removing every boundary. You can forgive someone and still say: “I don’t want you to speak to me like that.” You can forgive someone and still decide that you need distance. You can forgive someone and still refuse to participate in destructive behaviour.
Forgiveness releases the offence. Boundaries help us decide how we live in relationship afterwards.
The two aren’t enemies. They can work together.
Jesus had boundaries
Jesus was extraordinarily loving, but He wasn’t endlessly available on everybody else’s terms. He withdrew from crowds and spent time alone with His Father. He sometimes refused to answer people’s questions. He challenged people. He said no. He allowed people to walk away.
He didn’t organise His life around keeping everyone happy. His love wasn’t people-pleasing, and His compassion didn’t prevent Him from being clear.
Perhaps that’s an important picture of healthy boundaries: love without losing yourself.
What about Christian “self-denial”?
Sometimes Christians can be particularly uncomfortable with boundaries. We hear: “Deny yourself.” “Serve others.” “Put others first.” Those are important biblical ideas, but they don’t mean that God requires us to become everybody else’s servant, solve everybody else’s problems or allow unhealthy behaviour.
Jesus’ command to love our neighbour is built upon: “Love your neighbour as yourself.” There is an assumption there. We are not asked to hate ourselves. Christian love isn’t self-erasure. It is learning to love God, ourselves and other people in healthy relationships.
Boundaries aren’t selfish
There is a difference between selfishness and self-care. Selfishness says: “Everything is about me.” Healthy boundaries say: “I am one of the people who matters here.” Selfishness ignores other people’s needs. Healthy boundaries recognise both their needs and mine.
Selfishness seeks control. Healthy boundaries accept responsibility for what belongs to us and release what doesn’t.
What does God think about my boundaries?
This is where boundaries become part of the journey we’ve been exploring throughout these Information pages. Rather than simply finding a list of rules about healthy boundaries, we can bring the questions to God.
“Father God, where am I taking responsibility for things that aren’t mine?” “Jesus, where have I allowed someone else to cross a boundary?” “Holy Spirit, where have I built a wall instead of a healthy boundary?” “What am I afraid will happen if I say no?” “What do You want me to know about myself?”
Sometimes the answer reveals a lie. Sometimes an inner vow. Sometimes shame. Sometimes an old wound.
And sometimes we simply discover that we have never learned that we are allowed to be ourselves.
Boundaries and Sozo
This is one of the reasons boundaries can emerge naturally during a Bethel Sozo.
Sozo isn’t counselling, and a Sozo facilitator isn’t there to give you a set of instructions about how to manage your relationships. Instead, the focus is on your relationship with Father God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. As you hear from God, you may become aware of things that have affected the way you relate to other people:
fear; rejection; shame; people-pleasing; control; anger; self-protection; lies about yourself; judgements about other people; inner vows.
You may discover that you’ve been carrying responsibility that doesn’t belong to you, or that you’ve allowed somebody else’s behaviour to define who you are.
You may have built a wall where you actually need a boundary.
The aim isn’t simply to learn how to say no, it’s to become increasingly free to live from truth.
What might a healthy boundary sound like?
Sometimes it is surprisingly ordinary. “No, I’m not able to do that.” “I need some time to think about it.” “I don’t agree, but I respect your right to see it differently.”
“I’m happy to talk about this, but not while we’re shouting at each other.” “I love you, but I can’t take responsibility for that.” “That isn’t something I can do.”
“I need some space.” “I’m not prepared to be spoken to like that.”
We don’t have to explain ourselves endlessly. We don’t need to make our boundary acceptable to everyone. Sometimes “no” is a complete sentence.
And sometimes the boundary is with ourselves. Boundaries aren’t only about other people. We may need boundaries around: how much we work; how much we give; how much we spend; what we consume; what we say; what we allow into our minds; how we use our time; how we respond when we’re angry.
Sometimes the person who most needs a boundary is me.
Learning to say: “That’s enough” can be an important part of freedom.
From walls to freedom
Perhaps you’ve spent years protecting yourself. Years pleasing everyone else; perhaps you’ve swung between the two. Perhaps you’ve never really known where you end, and somebody else begins.
The answer isn’t to become harder, and it isn’t to become more compliant. It is to become more whole. To know who you are. To know what belongs to you and what belongs to someone else.
To be able to say “yes” freely. To be able to say “no” freely.
To love without losing yourself. To receive without feeling indebted.
To give without resentment. To be vulnerable without becoming powerless.
That’s freedom.
Healthy boundaries are about relationships
The goal isn’t independence; it’s healthy interdependence. We were made for relationships, with God, with ourselves and with one another. Healthy boundaries don’t destroy those relationships. They can make them more honest, because when I know that I can say no, my yes becomes more meaningful.
When I know that I can disagree, agreement becomes more genuine. When I know that I can leave, staying becomes a choice. When I know that I don’t have to protect myself from every possible hurt, I can risk being known, and when I know who I am and whose I am, I don’t need somebody else to tell me who I am.
Where might you begin?
Perhaps you already know that your boundaries need attention. Maybe you find it almost impossible to say no. Maybe you are exhausted from carrying other people’s problems. Maybe you keep attracting relationships in which your needs disappear.
Or perhaps you’ve gone the other way. Maybe you’ve built walls around yourself and don’t know how to let anyone in. You don’t have to work it all out at once.
You can begin with a simple question:
“God, show me what is mine to carry — and what isn’t.”
And then listen.
That may be a surprisingly good place to start.
Explore further
Identity — Who Am I? Discover what happens when we begin to understand who God says we are.
Lies We Believe and Inner Vows Explore the beliefs and decisions that can shape the way we relate to ourselves and other people.
Understanding Trauma Consider how painful experiences can affect our ability to trust, connect and protect ourselves.
Shame Discover how shame can make us hide, people-please or believe that our needs don’t matter.
Judgement Explore the difference between recognising what has happened and making judgements about ourselves and others.
Forgiveness Understand why forgiveness doesn’t mean removing healthy boundaries.
Understanding Inner Healing Explore the wider journey towards freedom, healing and wholeness.
What Is Bethel Sozo? Discover how Sozo can help you hear from God for yourself about the things that may be affecting your relationships and freedom.
Book an Individual Sozo If something here has made you recognise an area of your life where you feel stuck, we can help you explore whether Sozo might be a helpful next step.